Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i've created a new STD.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad