I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
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If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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