Define "chronic" masturbator.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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