Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
