I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
