im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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