I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
