Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
