I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're like the curious george of whores
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
