i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
