just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
