he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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