Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
