and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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