That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
