I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
