you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon