I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
