Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
