____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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