just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I didn't notice because vodka
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.