Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The uberlube is also flammable
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
