went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
