The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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