We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
