I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
