Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
