just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
