My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
