Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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