Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
