you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
