We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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