i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
