I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
