i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think I sprained my soul last night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
