Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
