I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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