i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
