She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
