Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
