i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
