do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
