How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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