My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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