Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
