im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
