the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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