I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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