My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
