At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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