i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
